The Nests That Are Our Homes

It has been a few weeks since we heard of a case of a prominent religious figure who had used his position of authority to commit alleged crimes of a sexual nature, against a minor. I won’t go into the details of the case, however, I found myself extremely triggered by this event. It was a feeling of anger combined with a deep sadness that someone who was preaching religion, a religion of peace, harmony and morality was doing the exact opposite, something incomprehensible for an individual in such a position.

More-so, I felt a sense of betrayal towards our community leaders and those parents/carers/teachers in charge of ensuring the vulnerable are not put in harm's way. How could yet another child fall prey? It shook me but also reminded me of this responsibility I have as someone with children under my wing. Because of the responsibility of parenthood.

As a homeschooling mother of multiple children, I have taken it upon myself to be surrounded by my children 24/7. To be their main teacher and mentor. Their first point of call for any curious questions swirling their mind. To be just a “mama” away from providing them the comfort, trust and reassurance when they feel dysregulated. For them to be IN my presence and under my eyes. Whilst for many this can be seen as a form of “sheltering” or keeping them in a “bubble”, I have a different perspective.

You see, I grew up with the baggage of childhood experiences where my safety and wellbeing was compromised. Where sinister individuals took advantage of moments to manipulate or abuse their power and responsibility. These people weren’t strangers. They were teachers in a Madrasah, relatives who we saw regularly, and people who were supposed to be people we trust and feel comfortable around.
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It affected my perception of the deen and learning from people who were supposed to reflect my religion.
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And yet, when I reflect deeply, the only ones I could truly trust were my own parents. And the only place I felt truly safe was when I was near them. The most beautiful moments were when we learnt as a family, memorised together, or attended lectures with all of us present.

Whilst this played a part in me choosing to homeschool, greater than that it was realising that my role as a mother was not limited to feeling, dressing and bathing my children, rather it was to provide them with the nurturing and tarbiyah that allows for them to grow into confident, ambitions, healthy (physically and mentally) young leaders of the Ummah. It was the realization that my home is not a place they will come to just sleep and eat and spent a couple of hours unwinding after spending time with other people, but it is THE hub, THE nest in which they will learn how to use their wings, so when the time is right they can fly off into the world full of the good, bad, and ugly.

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Our Seeds

You see, our children are like seeds; small, delicate, yet with some much potential. A seed can be so tiny that it can slip out of your palm onto the ground and you will find it difficult to find. But that seed, if you truly keep an eye on it, from the moment it is in your palm, to when you settle it into fertile soil, and continue to observe as it sprouts, then blooms, wilts but blossoms back - then you by Allah's tawfiq find it will flourish. Because you have been watching it closely, knowing what it needs, how much of the water and how much of the light.

Many parents today let the seed go out of their palm, not knowing if the soil is the most fertile, so distant they are from the seeds, they don’t see the weeds slowly making their way to destroy the roots forming in the ground. They don’t see the leaves that have withered slowly but surely with their brown marks and tears but when the plant wilts with no return and the roots are dry, they wonder what happened?

Let me tell you what happened, YOU didn’t pay attention. But it’s not too late, here is how you can take back this beautiful responsibility Allah has gifted you with.

Take ownership of your children’s tarbiyah. You may not be able to homeschool for whatever reason, whilst I believe the home is a powerful hub to mould your children, I understand there can be setbacks. However, sending our children to school or to Madrasah shouldn’t be a thoughtless decision. One that is propelled by a societal norm that has been going on for decades. Rather as a parent you MUST:

Choose after much research and thought the settings that will allow your children to have an integrated education - where their core religious beliefs will not be compromised
Ensure that the people you choose to be your children’s teachers are of good character, reputation and people trusted in the community.
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Your child must never be left alone with just any adult. This might sound extreme to some. How many children have to be left with a teacher or have one-to-one tutors? What about Madrasah’s that sometimes are left with one or two students after the others are left?

This might feel like a stretch but I believe there are things that are outwardly permissible or don’t seem wrong but can be an avenue towards something evil or indecent. Children are vulnerable. They are still learning about the world and the people that reside in it. Many children see the world as black and white. Good and bad. Yet there are many varying colours of people and characters in the world.

It is OUR responsibility to do the due diligence of knowing who our children are surrounded by. That they learn in a setting where they are not just alone with anybody as how can we be certain that situation can turn south?
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Children are like fragile plants, one experience can break a stem. One bad encounter can be for them like broken glass that shatters into tiny shards, you cannot possibly pick up the pieces and put it back together?
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Prevention is better than cure. So ensuring we know who children are learning from, who they are surrounded by, who their teachers are and making sure they are not alone is an absolute core part of parenting whether you homeschool or not.
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Be open with your children. Communication in all seasons of parenthood are essential. That communication can look different as the child grows. A toddler may be communicated to, through a rhyme or nasheed, whilst a 6 year old may ask LOTS of questions as they develop their understanding of the world and therefore require lengthy answers and discussions. Maybe some books for them to deepen their understanding. A teenager may prefer your silent company and communicate through their body language or lack of words. They may require your company for a while making small talk before they feel like they can spill the beans.

Whatever it is… pay attention to your child and their cues. This is part of tarbiyah. You are ensuring their needs are met as they traverse new territories. When they communicate, you listen. You don’t tell them to go do their homework, or ask their teacher, or google it! You answer, you listen, you nod, you understand, you build that trust, love and a space where your child can feel safe enough to open up to you if they are feeling confused, scared, wronged or are being manipulated.

This is not something that happens overnight but gradually with time. As a parent, being present and conscious means knowing the whereabouts of our children. Where are they going physically and where are they wandering emotionally or mentally? What is plaguing their mind?
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Learn the deen so YOU can be their source of Ilm. In light of the case I mentioned at the start of this article, I believe this is the most important point. Many parents send their children to others because they lack confidence or are anxious about raising their children the ‘right’ way or they are simply ignorant of what parenting entails. Perhaps they have the idea that being a parent is simply to take care of your children’s physical needs, make sure they’re in a good enough school, tick off their need to go to a madrasah or ‘ustadh jee’ and ensure homework is done and their bellies are full.
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Yet, subhanAllah, being a mother and father is so much more. If only we knew. This why we must deepen our knowledge of:

What parenting means in Islam. What is Tarbiyah? What are my children’s rights? What are my duties towards them?
The religion. The basics of jurisprudence. The basics of our creed. The Qur’an and reflecting on it. Seerah and Sunnah. These are just the essentials. There is SO much to learn and it is an obligation on us as Muslims whether male or female to seek knowledge.

If we do this, we do not need to rely heavily on others to educate our children. To be for them what we are supposed to be for them. Imagine, you sitting with your spouse and children in the evening, each of you reciting an ayah of the Qur’an, after which you share a hadith, and you spend 15 minutes just discussing and reflecting together. How much more POWERFUL is this image in your mind than the image of your child rocking back and forth in a Madrasah filled with 30 other children, not getting the time and attention he/she craves, barely focused because they are tired from sitting in a classroom for 8 hours prior to that?

Knowledge is empowerment and passing that knowledge on is one of the most incredible legacies you can leave behind, but also will deepen the family love and connection. Most importantly, you are the most safe and trustworthy people around them. You know them best. You can curate a unique learning experience that suits them. You can model what you teach whilst there are no promises others will do the same.

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What Can I Do?

Here are some practical things you can start with your family, some might suit younger children whilst others will suit older:

Morning Qur’an circle before school begins: each person recites an ayah each until they complete the Surah.
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Adhkaar as-Sabaah/Masah (morning/evening supplication): whilst driving them to and back from school, you can recite in unison or play it for them to listen to
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Bedtime stories of stories in the Qur’an: reminding them of the great heroes and heroines in Islamic history.
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Reminders on keeping safe, stranger danger, awrah, and other red flags: this is to ensure you are consciously open with them and making them aware so they can recognise harm and abuse and know what to do and who to speak to if it was to happen.
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Presentations/role-play: letting them take the lead of learning by presenting a topic you give them related to the deen. This makes a nice family bonding activity whilst allowing them to have fun.
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Walks/hikes in nature: reflecting on Allah’s creation and Names together can a beautiful way to learn together.
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Having weekly or monthly meet-ups with their teachers so you know what’s happening and you can communicate to them your expectations.
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Shura time: sitting as a family and discussing what might be bothering each individual creates an environment where your children can open up, can critique, you can offer advice, solutions or simply a lending ear.

Finally, in this day and age where the fitnah is increasing, do not underestimate the power of Du’a. Reminding our children to always do their Du’as and recite the 3 Quls + Ayat al-Kursi and Morning and Evening Adhkar, is a way for them to be protected from harm by Allah’s will.
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